'It's Just A Flesh Wound!' Says Legless Torso Of Iranian Ayatollah

TEHRAN — The legless torso of newly-appointed Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei assured the world that the loss of his legs in battle was "just a flesh wound". "Tis' but a scratch," declared Khamenei as aides carefully balanced his torso on the floor. "I've had worse. Come on then, America, you Great Satan you! Have at you, you yellow-bellied cowards. I'm invincible!!" Secretary of War Pete Hegseth reportedly spoke to the Ayatollah directly, asking Khamenei to admit defeat. "Ooooh, had enough then Pete, have you?" cackled the Ayatollah in response. "Chicken! chicken! Come on then, you pansy!" In response, Hegseth ordered another...