My date invited me over – he should have known better

I returned to a completely different dating landscape in my 40s (Picture: Louisa Gregson)

When my date bailed on our plans in order to take care of his son at the very last minute, I felt a familiar thud of disappointment.  

But then he offered up an alternative: ‘You could come to my house after he’s in bed and we could have a few drinks here instead?’ he suggested. I was horrified at the thought.  

Why on earth do some men think it’s OK to ask a woman to go to a stranger’s house for an initial meeting? Have they not seen an episode of Crimewatch or the plethora of true-crime documentaries on Netflix?  

Sadly, it seems a lot of men haven’t as – certainly in my experience – many continue to offer unsuitable options for a first date, giving no thought to how women might feel. But I want that to change.  

In my 20s and 30s, people met organically and I met my ex-husband at work. After I divorced, my next relationship was with a neighbour. 

But I returned to a completely different dating landscape in my 40s: dating apps now ruled the roost and meeting organically had gone the way of the dodo, so I had to adapt. 

I’ve always known I have to look out for myself (Picture: Louisa Gregson)

I’d be meeting men cold, knowing nothing about them or their character, except what they’d told me on a few text messages. So I’d always do a quick search on social media or send his picture and details to at least one friend.  

When I told an elderly neighbour about how I prepared – including how, for an upcoming date, I’d chosen a tapas restaurant a short walk from my house to avoid the potential awkwardness of him offering a lift home – she looked mentally exhausted.  

‘My God! All the things you have to think about,’ she exclaimed.  

She wasn’t wrong, it is a lot to consider. But then, I’ve always known I have to look out for myself.  

Navigating personal safety feels almost like an intrinsic part of our DNA (Picture: Louisa Gregson)

As women, we learn from an early age to double back, cross the road, or pretend to look in shop windows to let the single guy walking behind us at night pass by.

We move train carriages, debate that dog walk or quick run as it is going to be dark soon, and keep our headphones off if we’re alone. Navigating personal safety feels almost like an intrinsic part of our DNA.

Men, meanwhile, are not forced to navigate life (and dating) in this way. And therein lies the problem: they don’t always seem to see the danger.  

For example, one man brought his dog on our date for a few al fresco drinks. It was cute at first, and definitely helped to break the ice, but when we decided to move on to a non-dog-friendly bar the tone changed.  

I don’t claim to speak for all women, but a bit of consideration can go a long way (Picture: Louisa Gregson)

As we made our way to his flat so he could drop his pet back, I felt uneasy. Then, as we climbed the stairs and crossed the threshold into his home, the door shutting behind me, my anxiety peaked.  

I’d met this man for the first time just two drinks previously, we had no mutual connections to bind us, no one even knew where I was. 

While ultimately nothing bad happened and we continued on what was, in the end, a pretty good date, it would have made me feel so much more comfortable if he had just asked me if I had wanted to wait outside. 

It’s that lack of awareness that’s the issue.  

I was confident I wasn’t overreacting (Picture: Louisa Gregson)

Granted, I could have said something, but awkward politeness – and probably a subconscious desire not to upset him – had stopped me from suggesting I wait downstairs on the street.  

And then, of course, there was the guy who invited me to his house that night while his son slept. We’d never met before so I couldn’t understand why he even entertained it as a good idea.  

When I gently explained to him that I didn’t think it would be appropriate, he just didn’t seem to get it.   

I was confident I wasn’t overreacting and when I regaled the story to a group of friends at dinner a few weeks later, they all emphatically agreed that I’d done the right thing. 

‘I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that arrangement,’ one said.   

‘What was he thinking?’ another asked, appalled. She wished she had had my phone so she could have answered for me, as she thought I had been too nice.  

Ultimately, I think men just have to do better at realising how different things are for women when it comes to dating.  

I get we’re all different, and I don’t claim to speak for all women, but a bit of consideration can go a long way.  

Luckily, I am now in a relationship – and no, our first date was not at his house – but if you’re a man on the dating scene thinking about suggesting this as a very first meeting, or picking her up in your car for a walk in a secluded beauty spot, I’d urge you to reconsider.  

Just take a moment and think: ‘Am I going to make this woman feel uncomfortable by suggesting we go to her house before she asks me to?’  

‘Should I really suggest a first date somewhere remote or at either of our houses over somewhere in public?’  

Remember you’re a complete and utter stranger off an app until you’re not.   

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