I want to get married and have a baby – but starting over at my age terrifies me

How do you decide when it’s the right time to move on from a relationship? (Picture: Getty/Metro)

You could be in the best relationship imaginable, but if you’re heading towards different futures, it can be incredibly hard to make it last.

That’s what this week’s Sex Column reader is slowly but surely figuring out.

Although from the outside you’d think her and her boyfriend were perfect together, deep down, she knows he ultimately isn’t interested in giving her the life she’s always wanted.

Keep reading to hear the advice, but before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a man who’s sick of ‘secret flings’ and ready to embrace his authentic self.

The problem…

I recently went to the baby shower of a younger friend where I struggled to be pleased and excited for her. Hopefully she didn’t notice that I was faking it, but when I got home, I had a really good cry.

I should be happy because I have a great relationship with a lovely guy, and on the whole, we are very well suited. But there’s just one thing that spoils everything, and I daren’t even bring it up in case it starts a row.

Basically, I want to get married and he doesn’t. I want a baby and he doesn’t. I would even like him to live with me, and he doesn’t!

We’ve been together for nearly five years, and I put on a good show of pretending that everything in the garden is rosy. But I’ve just had my 35th birthday (he’s six years younger) and when I was in my 20s, I honestly thought I’d be married with children by now.

We have a great sex life, enjoy the same things and seem like a perfect couple. But something just stops him from making that final commitment.

I find it increasingly hard to be pleased for people who tie the knot or have babies because it makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.

I’ve confided in a couple of close friends who say I should leave him, but I don’t think I could bear to start again at this age.

The problem

You say you have a ‘great relationship’, but do you? Evidently, you can’t talk to your boyfriend about the things that are important to you, in case it starts an argument. That tells me you’ve tried (probably more than once) to explain your feelings, and it hasn’t got you anywhere.

Then you say there’s ‘just one thing that spoils everything’ and proceed to tell me three.

Look, it’s human nature to want our partners to feel the same as us, but we’re often disappointed to discover that’s not the case. Frustratingly, this guy doesn’t see settling down and having babies the way you do.

Falling in love, and marriage, can happen at any stage in our lives. But having a child is more time critical. It’s true that some women leave it till their 40s to have children, but it doesn’t get easier, and this is something you need to think very hard about.

He’s younger than you, so perhaps that’s partly why he’s not ready to settle down, even after five years together. But it feels to me like he’s had it his own way for too long.

It’s time to stand up for yourself and spell out what sort of future you want. If he has a different vision, make it clear that this could mean the end of the relationship.

Let him make the choice. Will he give you the commitment you seek, or is he prepared to watch you walk away?

Don’t keep bottling up the pain if things are not going to change. For your own sake, you may have to find the courage to start again.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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