I’m having sex with a woman way out of my league — but I can only last 30 seconds

He’s trapped in a vicious cycle (Picture: Getty)

Finding someone you click with and can’t wait to see again doesn’t happen every day, and our reader this week is head over heels for his new girlfriend.

Doesn’t sound like much of a problem, right? Wrong. He’s so turned on by his partner, that he can only last 30 seconds in bed. 

Now, he’s terrified his dream girl will leave him out of frustration, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

Should he be honest with her? Or think of something decidedly unsexy, and hope for the best?

Before you go, make sure to read last week’s column, where a reader found out a life-changing family secret from her dying mother.

The problem: 

Just over five months ago, I met a really gorgeous girl at a party. I wouldn’t have had the nerve to chat her up as I thought she was way too good for me, but we got talking in the kitchen and she made the first move. We ended up getting really passionate, and I couldn’t wait to see her again. 

Since then, we’ve had umpteen dates, we message every day, and things have been going really well. That is, all except in one very important department: sex. I just can’t seem to last long in bed, and it makes me feel like such a loser. 

I’ve had some problems in the past so I put this girl off for as long as possible, but eventually she ran out of patience and dragged me off to the bedroom. 

No surprise (especially as she was even more fanciable with her clothes off), I lasted all of thirty seconds. I made loads of excuses, but she was great about it and said it didn’t matter.

However, since then it’s happened on pretty much every occasion when we’ve been intimate. To be honest, I don’t think we’ve ever had great sex despite the fact that we get on really well in every other area. 

I don’t know how long she’ll put up with my rubbish lovemaking and the more I worry about it, the worse it gets. I know I’m trapped in a vicious cycle but I don’t know how to get out of it. 

The advice: 

Trust me when I tell you that your problem is fairly common, although I’m willing to bet the subject of premature ejaculation is not widely discussed among you and your mates. 

As you well know, it only needs to happen once to become a big issue in your head, and of course worrying about it only makes it worse. Even if you’d succeeded in putting your girlfriend off for a while, it wouldn’t have helped because the longer you wait, the bigger the build-up of sexual tension and the more urgent the release. 

The problem is rarely permanent, and the first thing you should do is talk to your girlfriend about how you feel. Suggest laying off penetrative sex for a few weeks and instead, explore the many other ways of sharing sexual pleasure. Taking intercourse off the agenda will remove an important pressure, which of course is half the battle. 

Whether on your own or with your girlfriend, learn to recognise the signs that you’re about to climax, and when you reach that point, pause whatever you’re doing and wait for the feeling to subside. Build up your confidence gradually, until you can have sex without fearing (and creating) a situation where it’s over too quickly. 

Your partner wants to be with you because she likes you, so don’t think of yourself as a hopeless lover with a girlfriend who’s too good for you. Start believing in yourself, and you’ll be amazed at how much difference a positive mental attitude can make. 

If the problem persists, there’s a chance that an underlying medical issue is causing your problem, and if you think that might be the case, arrange to see your GP. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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