He told me he was an actor – then did tricks with his penis

All I could do was nervously wonder how it would fit it inside me (Picture: Getty Images)

‘Would you like me to make you a burger?’ 

I wasn’t at a restaurant, or watching someone in their kitchen.

Instead, a handsome near-naked man – Jamie* – stood before me in my bedroom, about to slip off his underpants.

‘Er, no I’m not really hungry,’ I replied confused. 

Given that we were about to get down to action, it was hardly the time to start talking about food.

‘No,’ he laughed, ‘I mean with this.’ I gasped as he unveiled his package to me in all its glory. 

Jamie had the biggest penis I had ever seen. 

All I could do was nervously wonder how it would fit it inside me. 

But what came next was even more eye-watering.

As he began squishing his dick between both testicles then twisting them round to a 90-degree angle, he announced, ‘Ta-da!’

I was speechless.

This wasn’t what I had anticipated from this date (Picture: Nilufer Atik)

Perhaps even more impressive than his sheer size was the fact that he had successfully transformed his cock and balls into a burger.

This wasn’t what I had anticipated from this date.

I first spotted Jamie working behind a bar in southwest London near where I lived, back in 2006.

We got chatting and he told me he was an actor doing bar work in between jobs to make ends meet.

‘Ooooh, do you do Shakespeare?’ I gushed drunkenly looking into his gorgeous big brown eyes and marvelling at his chiselled arms.

‘I have done,’ he shrugged, but didn’t elaborate further, and I thought nothing of it.

Whenever he served me, he would tell me I looked gorgeous (Picture: Getty Images)

For the rest of the night, our eyes would catch and he would give me a cheeky wink. It was exciting that he kept flirting back.

So, for the next four Saturdays I kept dragging my girlfriends to the same bar in the hope of getting some alone time with him. 

It was tricky as the bar was always rammed, but whenever he served me, he would tell me I looked gorgeous or that he’d been looking out for me at the bar that week. 

Then, on the final Saturday, he told me he was locking up that night and asked me to stay behind for a drink with him after hours. With the bar empty I felt nervous at first, until he ushered me over to a table and brought over a glass of wine. 

He told me he had been dying to get me alone and then reached over for a kiss. I melted. He was a great kisser. 

I invited him back to mine, knowing my flatmate was away so we would have the place to ourselves.

He told me he was locking up that night and asked me to stay behind for a drink with him after hours (Picture: Getty Images)

He happily accepted, and we slinked back to sip more wine.

We sat on my sofa, talking and kissing, until I took him by the hand and led him towards my bedroom.

I opened the curtains, to bring in the moonlight, setting the romantic tone, when I turned around to see Jamie had taken off his underwear and was proudly exhibiting his huge penis.

Holding onto the curtains for dear life, I gulped nervously.

That’s when he turned his genitals into a burger for me.

‘I’m a Penis Puppeteer,’ he declared, smiling. He sat beside me on the bed and handed me his phone.

‘A what?’ I asked, baffled. Looking at the phone, I watched video footage of nude men in a theatre doing odd things with their nether regions in front of a laughing audience.

It turned out that Jamie appeared in a show called Puppetry of the Penis – a comedic live performance-art production that featured men doing penis origami. 

They contorted their dangly bits into various forms to mimic around 60 sorts of identifiable shapes, from the Eiffel Tower to the Loch Ness Monster and of course, a hamburger too, to a background of comedic narration.

I declined and wasn’t sure if I still wanted to sleep with him (Picture: Nilufer Atik)

The show had first been performed at a comedy festival in Australia in the late 1990s, Jamie explained, and had since spread in terms of both popularity and location around the globe.

‘I’m currently starring in the UK version in London,’ he went on. ‘I can get some free tickets for you and your friends if you like?’

I declined and wasn’t sure if I still wanted to sleep with him then as the sudden ick began creeping over me.

But when I looked into his lovely round eyes, and glanced at his rock-hard pecs, I decided that I did still want to sleep with him. 

But before we did anything, I asked him to ‘be careful’. I had never experienced such a large penis inside me before.

The sex wasn’t earth-shattering – mostly because Jamie had to hold back so he didn’t hurt me, and it was a lot slower than I would normally like. 

But I had no regrets afterwards.

Our encounters were fun and Jamie was always respectful (Picture: Nilufer Atik)

I met up with Jamie a few more times after that – for booty calls, I admit – but I didn’t see him as boyfriend material because of what he did for a living. 

I couldn’t possibly imagine introducing him to my parents as ‘a penis puppeteer.’

Over the time we spent together, he showed me more of his dick tricks – the Eiffel Tower and E.T. being two favourites that left me in stitches – before we parted ways as friends.

But our encounters were fun and Jamie was always respectful, which goes to show that despite his outlandish career, he was still able to be a sensitive person.

I do think of him sometimes though and wonder if he has a lady in his life now, and whether he’s ever made her a burger.

But I’m glad I left him behind me, for a more accommodating size.

I’m happy to report that no other willy’s I’ve come across have been able to do any stunts –  I prefer them with a little less talent.

*Names have been changed

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