As A Psychologist, I See Where Parents Of Neurodivergent Toddlers Are Let Down

As a psychologist working with children and families, I often meet parents at a moment of both clarity and uncertainty.

They may have started to notice that their toddler experiences the world a little differently. Perhaps their child becomes overwhelmed in busy environments, struggles with communication or finds social interaction more difficult than other children their age.

For many families, recognising neurodivergence brings a sense of relief. But it is usually followed by a daunting question: how do we get the right support for our child?

In the UK, that journey can be particularly complex during the early years.

According to the Department for Education, around 1.6 million pupils in England are identified as having special educational needs, representing roughly 18% of the school population. Yet families with preschool children often face long waiting lists for assessments and limited access to early support.

This delay matters. Early childhood is a critical period for brain development. Evidence shows that early support programmes for neurodivergent children, particularly those on the autism spectrum, can significantly improve communication, social skills and everyday functioning.

When support arrives early, it does not change who a child is, nor should it. What it can do is help children develop strategies that make learning and taking part in daily life much more manageable.

The early years can be very difficult for families

The period after recognising that a child may be neurodivergent can be one of the most stressful times for parents.

Families are often required to navigate complex systems across health, education and social care, while also supporting their child’s day-to-day needs.

Research has shown that parents of neurodivergent children report significantly higher levels of stress during the early stages of seeking support, particularly when services are delayed or fragmented.

In practice, many parents become the main coordinator of their child’s support: they research therapies, push for assessments and adapt their home routines to help their child manage emotions and sensory challenges.

Yet this expertise is not always recognised by the professionals they encounter.

Challenging outdated advice

In my clinical work, I still hear well-intentioned but outdated advice offered to parents of neurodivergent toddlers. Comments such as “they will grow out of it” or “they simply need firmer discipline” reflect a misunderstanding of how neurodivergent children develop.

Research increasingly shows that behaviours often described as disruptive are more accurately understood as a child trying to express sensory, emotional or communication needs.

When a child struggles to join in with group activities or becomes overwhelmed in a busy environment, it is rarely deliberate defiance. It is often a sign that the environment does not yet suit the way their brain works.

A more helpful approach shifts the focus away from controlling the behaviour and towards understanding what is behind it.

What early years settings could do differently

Nurseries and early years settings are well placed to support neurodivergent children before formal schooling begins.

However, according to the Department for Education, many staff feel underprepared to recognise and respond to the different ways children develop and learn.

Inclusion means more than simply allowing neurodivergent children into mainstream settings. It means adapting those environments with calmer spaces, flexible routines, visual aids and genuine collaboration with families.

When these changes are made, the benefits extend to all children. Every young learner does better in an environment that feels predictable and safe.

One young child I worked with struggled to join in at nursery and was frequently described as disruptive. Staff were unsure how best to respond.

After introducing a simple visual timetable and a quiet space where the child could go when feeling overwhelmed, the difference in their participation was remarkable.

What changed was not the child but the environment. This reflects a broader principle: when we adjust our surroundings to meet a child’s needs, their ability to engage often grows considerably.

Dr Marguerita Magennis is a psychologist, educational consultant, counsellor and psychology tutor at FindTutors.